See im all about them words over numbers, unencumbered numbered words &

i almost forgot my lj username...kinda crazy but i had trouble logging in and was using my facebook name. i guess i never have time or care about this. speaking of facebook, for SO long i have wanted to defriend someone just because their being makes me sick and i didnt want to give them the satisfaction of knowing i hate them, kinda a catch 22 bc if i am forced to see their name/thoughts/pictures i am like omg what a cunt! so i was torn for a bit, but then i realized i could hide their fucking updates!!! omg best invention fucking ever! so i can dodge the whole drama aspect of them knowing i hate them and making it a public affair but yet i dont have to be sick everytime they want to share something from their pathetic self-absorbed fake life! truthfully hope this is the last time i have to shiver with disgust at the thought of them.

perfect!

anyway i should be doing school work, consumed with dysphagia at the moment - fucking blows. cranial nerves again after memorizing everything about them & purging it from my mind, now i have to go back and write another essay on it. im contemplating just watching TLC all night & doing this shit tomorrow....such a slacker.

at least this semester is on its way to being over! : )

so i went to the dr for a check up today. i realized i only gained 8 pounds since high school. kinda ridiculous that i only gained 8 pounds in 6 years, i def feel like its been 20. but it doesnt help that i was fat to begin with and im a midget. yeah...so maybe its more depressing. at first iw as kinda happy but that kinda blows, a pound a years not gonna be cool with im 40 and 200 pounds. yikes. yeah so im gonna start dieting right after my life slows down! in better news i got tested for tuberculosis and i dont think i have it! that was a positive part of the dr. but the needle hurt. yeah so i dont think health is in the future. ive been working myself like to a ridiculous extent. i never have breaks. tomorrow i have group for an hour, a client directly after, a small break, class then two clients in a row. like too much. it doesnt sound like that crazy  but to prepare takes forever. and im always really trying to make everything perfect. and for a lot of the time its pretty good. like hte group activity im leading tomorrow took me over 5 hours to prepare. oy...

time to take a break and really vegetate before sleep.

i somewhat regret not writing for a while.  It kinda felt like i couldnt for some time, maybe i was in a weird place in my life. i felt like a lot of what i would want to write about was too private or personal to share. but then i read some blogs people post and write about and i realize that revealing a lot of yourself even if its through some blog is relieving. and i had to stop for a while because i was transitioning through whatever it was. but i think if anything right now im willing to be open. at least here. not that id want everything i write here to be announced anywhere. but i think i can finally start putting some of my experiences onto a screen again. there are a lot of things i feel and see and think about that i wish i could put somewhere, and i think im ready to do that. i regret not doing so for so long becuase right now it feels kinda weird. and i dont know where to even start. but if i dont start somewhere, i can imagine a few years going by and never having said anything at all. and that would be a shame.

so saying you should do something every day that scares you - well i think its pretty safe to say ive been doing something every day for the past year that has scared the shit out of me. daily. well, almost. or at least preparing for it. for who i am, to be doing what im doing...its hard. its a challenge every day. its not something i can even describe right way without giving too much. but really...tomorow will scare the shit out of me. i will get through it, but it doesnt stop it from scaring me. and i think soon i will be through it, actually i know so. and it will break and i can really kick back and enjoy what im doing. but for now its a struggle. constantly being criticized, sometimes critically - most of the time not at all. literally on the hour having feedback about things that tap into who i am as a person and how my mind works and how my facial expressions are received by someone else.

and im not an actor - i think thats what the trouble has been for me my whole life. if im feeling something - you will know it. whatever is going on inside of me is written on my face, and explodes out from me. and theres no way of hiding it. and ive been forced to work on being an actor for a lot of this, but i think one day being who i am will really be an asset. i think it makes me more geniune. it might not be the best way to be when you have a secretary asking you "are you stressed?" or a person jokingly saying "you look frazzled". but i think id have to do a lot more work to hid how i feel then ill ever be willing to do.

i think pretty soon though im going to be going on a vacation...mentally and physically. its been work work work. and yeah its been 4.9's out of 5.0 and A's and an occasional A - . but i'm really needing to pay attention to something else besides work.

balance is not my thing.

one day it will be

i should have never stopped reading. i think it brings down your level of intelligence at least by 30 points. and i dont mean reading New Moon. like, thinking back on nietzsche and philosophy courses and even some history courses i took that assigned some books on ww 2 or 1 or whatever, well, mostly philosophy is what i mean. because that shit actually worked my mind. i dont think ive ever in the course of my masters been assigned a reading that even remotely compares to the shit i had to read in undergrad, even for a 100 level basic class that there wasnt even attendance taken. granted there might not be that many interesting literature in my field, but there has to be something remotely interesting or higher level. maybe not...i guess im not inclined enough to research a book on my own but i guess ill eventually get to that point because i feel like im kinda losing intelligence that you get from reading something beyond someones facebook status. i dont wanna wind up being a 30 something year old whose last book read was on oprahs best seller list or whatever. anyway, i guess my undergraduate education was worth it, not for nothing but i feel like compared to most other schools i got my moneys worth.  it seems like the professors there were wacked out of their mind but at least had high expectations...maybe i could start by rereading some of my philosophy books because its not like i fully understood that shit the first time around. yeah...that might work.

anywayanywayanyway...

i think i need a hiatus from all social networking websites. in terms of seeing pictures and communicating with long lost cousins, i guess the concept isnt that far off from being useful...and in that exact situatoin it has been cool in a way. but beyond that it just reinforces all that i hate about the world. not people in general, but the fraudulent and fabricated relationships people build based off of "liking" and "lol's" and other fake ungeniune interactions. its just not something i can ever view as a positive part of my generation. i think if anything, its reversed human progress...taken hours away from meaningful communication and put it into fake communication that lacks reality. its just not real. well, maybe it just makes the fake people faker...and for me, it just documents the fakeness ive always sensed. ive come to terms with it, but i just dont like it. im never going to like it.
i find that people that document parts of their work life on social networking websites are entirely unprofessional and unethical as well. its one thing to pass an email or private message, but putting on a public display private and confidential information about a client/student/patient is truly disguisting to me. although it may pass with some people, eventually its going to cost you a job if you continuously put information out like that. and its somewhat shocking that people that have considerable intelligence lack such a simple sense of judgement. yet again, the same people that lack that type of judgement are the same that keep their head 3 feet up other peoples asses. so id guess they just do things like that to fit in or conform to the group they just cant seem to fit into. i guess it just amazes me at how far people can get with such bad judgement, but maybe thats becuase im considering "far" as really not far at all.
whatever. all i can do is consider myself lucky for not falling into those traps and being fooled by that type of fakeness. i couldnt be if i tried.

in terms of my life i think i like my schedule. i have no children, all adults with  aphasia or fluency. which is not a bad thing. its what i wanted...actually talking to that generation of like 60-80 year olds makes me hate my generation even more. just the lack of having to remember computer/technical bullshit when talking makes me realize its not a good thing. because when thats not involved in your life real things just seem to come up more.
anyway im motivated to help the people im working with, which is more then most people can say i think. i just wish i had more resources to do so, knew more about what the problem actually was. how to actually fix it, or what the cure really is, when there is no true cure yet. i just keep coming back to that thought process that gets me through about how things are one day at a time. how one day not doing something that hurts you turns into two days and then into a year. and you have to start from that first day that seems like nothing, and you might relapse after just that first day but you have to start somewehre. and thats how i feel about therapy now, that you start somewhere, and you make slight increments in progress. and the days that pass are strength to keep going. amoungst pressure not to give in and lose that progress.

I guess ya might have to really amp it up on the fakeness when you realize your a royal cunt.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to de-friend some people, and i might wind up doing so...but i dont want to give into the drama. i just really dont want to be involved with negativity like that. ugh....decisions, decisions. its just iritating and i dont want to see any of it anymore. it probably shouldnt iritate me at all when i realize wheres its coming from. any positive interaction is invalidated when you recognize where its coming from. im too evolved to give into the drama, i tell myself that? but really, i just wanna de-friend.

alright...enough.

ugh, i love people who say they care about "children in need" meanwhile, they know people who have children in need and dont even say a word. UGH. you dont know the first thing about helping ANYONE, much less a child. get a clue!

not going to actually say anything, although its crossed my mind a few times. a while went by when i didnt notice, becuase when you go through something really horrible and tragic for a while its like your head is held under water, you cant see anything, even if you wanted to...although for hte most part youd never even try to open your eyes. so i didnt notice then, but recently ive come above water. ive taken a breath and a look around me. and its SHOCKING. truthfully, not that id consider it that much of a loss but people that could spend time calling me over some petty retarded bullshit couldnt take a minute of their day to even write an IM to say are you okay? do you need anything? and seeing that around me isnt nearly as tragic as the actual things ive experienced, but it is kinda alarming. or disarming, whatever. i guess it makes me think even worse of people. and i dont want to. because i actually wish people were good. i dont want to think the worst of them, becuase ive met a lot of people that have made me think there is a lot of good around. but to know someone since like 15 and know that they are going through something like that and not have a minute to say a simple sentence, its gross. i didnt realize in the moment but afterwards its hard not to. and i realy never thought during it that anything like this would ever cross my mind again becuase it really doesnt matter. but i think that little things are what makes a difference. they are essential sometimes. like a simple how are you? i mean, whatever. if not for anything its sad for my own self because when i have to think so low of someone else it makes me depressed. i wish i didnt have to, but theres really no other way to think. and yeah i guess it can put me in a bad mood to think about. so hopefully after this i wont have to think about it. ill just let it rest, let it be that i dont consider much of someone who has the capacity to act like that. or a lack of a capacity to act in a caring and considerate way. and at least know that most of their interactions are just fake. the end.

its my favorite month of the year!
although, i dont feel like i will official celebrate August until mid-August. but thats fine...because really my summer hasnt even started yet. once my birthday hits i will have an entire month of freedom & relaxation...so im looking forward to that as my real summer/vacation time.
a few new developments...
im extremely sick...
who the fuck gets the flu in the summer?
somehow - i manage to.
although ive somehow still gone to work & school & done everything im responsible to do, ive been definitely slacking in any other area outside of responsibility.
like keeping my room in order...going out...relaxing....
nothing else has really been going on because ive been either vomitting or in bed with a fever for the past week.
really blows...and ive officially given up on modern medicine because everytime i go to my doctor i leave with some weird medication that completely misses treating any symptoms i have.
like last time i was sick a month ago she gave me Tamiflu, when i tested negative for the flu...but i somehow left and felt okay with getting the prescription...why the fuck am i going to take Tamiflu when i had a long white tube stuck up my nose and it got a swab of my brain and came back negative for the flu?
so this time i just skipped the doctor altogether but im pretty positive i have the flu...

its definitely that or some virus...
so other recent developments are that since ive had time to sit around ive started reading Twilight...well not really...i saw the movie Twilight one night when there was nothign else in Blockbuster...i thought id be realy bored and was just kinda forced into it...then by the next day i sent steve to get me New Moon from the library...and i have since watched Twilight 2 times. and i NEVER see movies more then once. im obssesseddddd. like totally. and i finished New Moon today and havent gotten Eclipse yet. i want to pace myself bc i know im going to have to wait til November to see New Moon. but really though Edward is the hottest guy ive ever seen in my life...and ive seen him before on TMZ and thought nothing of it but this movie has really made me fall in love...hes definitely THE most amazing actors of our time.
so for my birthday i think i just want a lifesize poster of Robert Pattinson for my room....lol.
or clothes from J. Crew ....ive kinda fallen in love with J Crew too the past couple of days....which really doesnt mesh well with how broke I am...
pretty soon i will have $$ though...very veryyy soon....


anyway ive definitely been enjoying life besides the being sick part...and if i can enjoy working hard every single day i guess im going to super enjoy having time off and really being able to do things i really wanna do...

 

today was one of the better days in a long time.
we went out to hampton bays and outlet shopping...
drove around by my "house"...
its a really nice area out there...
definitely different then here...
much more scenic.
now im laying in my comfy bed about to read the rest of new moon.
yesss.

: )

funny how things work out...
i think everything is going to be okay.
and even when its not, ill be able to find a silver lining...
the reasons for everything? i really dont know, and dont think ill ever know?
maybe there is some grand scheme that will only be revealed in 25 years...
some chance encounter that makes everything visible.
or maybe, sometimes life just takes one milimeter of a turn that throws everything else off course.
and you wind up a lot more damaged then you needed to be if things woulda just went the right way.
the way i see it is that the people would be the same
whether i knew they'd act this way or not, whether i saw the true colors or not, thats what they were...
so for all the times i sat and smiled unknowing, that could've lasted forever but it would have never been real.
chance just showed me the truth....

and maybe im much more bitter, much more jaded, but i dont think ill ever be deceived again.

....

and thats only 4 years later...imagine 8?

im sure ill be listening to the same playlist too...not much changes...
ive changed a lot...i dont think i ever thought i could do what im doing now.
anyway...
i should get back to report writing...
dont know why i never write here anymore...

"you met me three times and then had sex with me"

ugh...that should SO be in that movie hes just not that into you. i think i could star in that shit. not anymore but i mean those things never leave you.

LoLLLLLL.

so...someone in my immediate family being diagnosed with a disease...not so christmasy. its not a good way to end 2008. which i thought was a good year. i dont know, i guess i was living in a dream. having fights with dumb bitchy girls was my biggest problem. and now life is actually real. its all changed...nothing that meant anything means anything. i could barely keep still for the past few days. now i know it has to be put together. even if your not happy, you have to put on a smile to keep from falling apart. its hard to do...but i will do it. ill cherish what moments i can...and enjoy what i can. and figure it all out later. i have been blessed...i know that. there are times i feel lot worse then now...im suprised i dont have more i can write about...but it almost feels sacred or something.

in other news...i hate my bedroom decor. and my comforter. and my sheets. theyre flannel and it bothers me a lot...definitely must do something about that this month.

So, the scariest/strangest of things. I sign in just out of boredom...and I have a user picture that I've never seen before.  It was like an asian Anime picture.  Definitely NOT something I've ever put as my user picture.  So, I dont know if someone hacked into my account, but of all things on the internet, this would most definitely be the most intimate of things to hack into.  So if thats the case, someone out there has read almost every little secret about me in the past 6 years.  Thats a bit scary.  For that reason its sad, but I cant write in this thing anymore.  The internet is a fucking scary place.  Ive backtracked my ways, changed my password again, and I have no idea how someone could have reset my password without me knowing...and the only other option is that somehow my user picture randomly changed to something I have never seen before?  Don't know the chances of that.  

Crazy fucking place.

today i got 2 biopsies...one needed stitches. it kinda hurt and i feel a little bit strange about it. it just kinda hurt more then i thought. and the stitches are in a really weird spot.

sooo...steves at a party in the hamptons with school friends and ihave work early tomorrow.

not exactly feeling too hot with my back hurting.

i was just thinking, with the advent of laptops and stuff like that, making life so easily convienent, cant humans create websites that have everything on it for a class/course? like...right now i could go for about 20 minutes of reviewing for one of my courses...but my books are all over the place...and i just kinda wish there was a website i could click on that would have the info on it.

omg this campaign/debate bullshit is SO annoying. when people talk about politics it truly shows how DUMB they are. like its the perfect oppurtunity for everyone to show how stupid they are. i cant deal with it anymore. i wish tehre was a filter on TV to block all political shit.

LC from the Hills has a mustache. i dont know if its my ultra sensitivity to females with mustaches, or a lack of eyesight on everyone elses part BUT the chic has a full on mustache and its ruining my viewing pleasure. has no one had the decency to tell her? or is it some lighting issue going on? i dont know. but watching tonight i sorta got the hint that in my little microcosm of the world - i am Spencer. LOL. like really, im fucking spencer.  "as long as your with her we wont be friends"...ive heard that before. whatever. i think everyone needs to get OFF spencers balls. like, the dude doesnt have to please LC and her dumb bullshit. i dont know why heidi even bothers writing that dumb cunt letters to begin with. hes the only one on that entire cast id ever wanna talk to...

im a little perplexed by my online identity lately. i find myself erasing more and more information. something about the internet makes me feel so naked. also i found out my identity has been stolen. or i think it has. i was doing some in depth searches on myself and realized why it is ive been getting so much mail from old age homes...my information says im 82 years old. so ive been getting mail geared towards an old geezer...i dunno but i think someone stole my identity.

maybe i should go have a coversation with myself in the mirror. OMG lol.
http://www1.bloomingdales.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=106033&CategoryID=4348&PageID=4348*1*24*-1*-1*31
how fucking awesome could it get???
ive been waiting for these bad boys for a long time because i thought 260 was too muhc for jeans but now they are perfect.

so i have a whole week off school + have been bascially living with steve-o for the past week. its kinda interesting & a little refreshing ever since living home, it feels like im back in college again so i really dont mind.

guess i should sleep i have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow.

much of my life i wonder what im looking for? if im looking for something, i think i know now that i dont need to look anymore. its a paradox or contrast to have your 'person' also exist in your soulmate. maybe they shouldnt be the same thing. but when you try to convince yourself that you cant possibly spend every minute with someone you are always with...you miss out on just enjoying it. its not that i dont enjoy choices ive made...i just alwasy get caught up in the negativity of the entire relationship. that what brought us together ultimately ripped apart itself. or that its enmeshed in so much bad blood and drama. but i know that no matter what the reflection of things i say is, that even if i say something half-heartedly stupid and meaningless, what i truly feel and believe will last forever. like i say so many things i wish i could take back because other people take them literally, and they arent what i really mean at all. there is nothing that could make me ever sacrifice what we have. nothing in the world, never. i dont really know what im talking about im tired and should have been sleeping 8 hours ago.

ugh it is so NICE to finally accept some bitchassedness as being a personality trait and not a phase. like thats just how you behave. like to actually be a part of a situation where people include others in a nice and consistent basis. jeeesh its nice. finalfuckingly.

the island is definitely the funniest show ever. Your just going to Fuck your way to the end?

LOL. Kenny is kinda gross tho. like a pig. but kelly ann, like why did they think becuase she is thin that shes weak? obviously shes more fit then someone whose overweight. duh.

anyway. back to work tomorrow. and one class and then i have off for SO long. but i have an immense amount of work to make up.

all is well beyond that though. so many things have gone wrong but not THAT wrong. like just scares that make you go..wow im lucky.

my babies midterm is tomorrow too. he has been doing SO well in school. like all A's. im gna pray for his brain to function amazingly tomorrow.

Friday im gna need some serious margaritas...the way i cope with stress? Margaritas.

ooh and my new laptop is sooo awesome - i Loveeee having money!

so ive been contemplating past relationships and the purpose of them. i mean, when a friend drifts away for whatever reason...and i dont mean ending the relationship because of sticking a knife straight into your back or cheating with your boyfriend, or doing something intentionally evil...i mean when a friend just drifts off, and you kinda have a weirdness there because its just like "huh?" because maybe on their end you dont really know waht the situation is. every relationship from high shcool had some serious weirdness to it, besides maybe 1 or two that i just dont remember anything really deceptive involved with. but that was when i was 17...so i mean now with people just drifting...i dont know, i kinda have this sense of trying to stick to a word that ive set out. like if i said i dont want you in my life anymore and ive moved past, then maybe i should stay with that. but then its like i have this other side of me saying that friends like that, or not even "friends" persay but people you have experienced that much with, or have been that close to, for whatever reason...are not that common in life. and that maybe in life you should cling to anyone at all that youve had that much fun with, or not even fun, but maybe even bad things happen, or crazy things happen with. because in the end if its someone who really didnt do something purely evil to you, then maybe lifes too short to not value that or come back to it when theres a chance.

i also just get confused because facebook and the internet have really changed the dynamic of life in all aspects. like, isnt it supposed to be that when im 30-35ish i get a vivid memory of the people i hung out with when i was 18-19 and i get a blast of nostalgia and pick up the phone and call them and have a reunion that makes me wish i was 18 again? but with the way life is now, i doubt that will ever happen. i mean im going to know everyone i went to high school from their toes to their hair every single day from now until forever. theres no chance to really excape that.

anyway. maybe instead i should just look forward. i kinda feel like if im looking back its because im not trying hard enough to move forward but i think ill always feel more comfortable with the past then new. new is just so much work and old is just soooo fucking easy.

let me go out on a limb here and say that writing in a blog doesnt make you a journalist. ummm. no.
on that note...people ive "spent time with" are completely whores. whoooores. like you have literally 2000 girls writing how they want you to bang them...
wow.
still cant wrap my mind around whats so special/appealing about that guy.
i mean if he can get that many girls into him, why are there so many people i know that cant even find ONE person?
hes like...not even that amazing.
i can sorta understand brad pitt or angelina jolie attracting such a spectacle but they even have money on top of amazing looks.
him...? like...maybe its because so few men have any personality at all, so when theres someone with a slight persona surrounding them that has some bit of individuality girls cant control themselves. like they will swoon for a guy that they know they have no chance with, or will have to fight 200 other girls for the guys attention. i never understood that. i mean...give up already. especially because by the time you get to getting his attention, hes going to have herpes or some other fungus of the genitals...or 9 baby mamas. and lets be real here, gothic "baby mamas" probably arent the most civil.
that was a rant of no importance...but everythings felt a little too important lately...
im about to pass the fuck out. and get my INSUFFICIENT 6 hours of sleep.
followed by excessive amounts of margaritas & a mani/pedi - shopping extravaganza after work.
and like a 180 minute massage.