See im all about them words over numbers, unencumbered numbered words &

when i interned at the hospital i was sent to "evaluate" a young girl, who turned out to be the same age as myself and another intern i was sent with. evaluating someone basically consists of getting a small sense of their language, speech or voice, and in some cases swallowing - well most cases in a hospital setting but for this we were aware before it was not for swallowing. there are really no set protocol for this type of evaluation, or at least we were not trained for such...yeah, maybe there should have been more structure but there just wasn't. anyway, so within an instant of entering her hospital room it was clear she was mentally disturbed. its not something quantitative or objective, it was a qualitative and subjective observation. she was worried over why we were there, upset with something we carried, etc...and on top of that she had a very shaky voice and complained she heard voices that were interferring with her voice. clearly, there was nothing pressing in the speech and language department. however, although all of this was blatant within two seconds of seeing and hearing her we stayed a little bit. asked her a few more questions on our list that were completely unnecessary. and somewhere in there we asked her what age she was. and from there something was said that made me want to hide my head and leave the room. "oh, well i am the same age as you". that was said by another person sent to give her an evaluation. at that moment i just wanted to shrivel up and die. the girl was schizophrenic but she still had feelings and i could tell that was just something that would make her feel like shit. i mean, really? am i the only one who would sense that beforehand? i get sometimes we say something and dont realize until after how it would affect someone else. but in this situatoin, the person saying it really didnt see how that would hurt her. to say wow - we are the same age, and im here examining and evaluating how you are while you are sitting here in the hospital for overdosing on medication and complaining of voices, etc. the girl then said wow, i cant believe your my age, i dont even have a job and you are working here and are a doctor. meanwhile, nobody in the room was a doctor (maybe thats the first problem)...but really - like whatever it is that would make someone recognize that isnt the best thing to say at the time, or forsee it might make her feel less positive about herself ...i wish there was a name for whatever that is. and then i wish i could harness whatever it is and teach it to everyone. the world *might* be a better place....

basically - people i thought would always be in my life - are clearly not. when certain events occured the only action i thought i had to preserve my pride was to completely disconnect. that has always been my only course of action. but, truly and obviously since a few years later i am still bothered by it, that is not what i wanted to have happen. and now certain events are solidifying that the certain people that actually caused the events that causd the falling out are now probably really happy with what they did. the people that disliked me from the beginning, or whatever they disliked, are now adored friends of the people that i was once friends with. i mean, looking back at age 13-18 or somewhere in the range of that this person im discussing was my closest friend. but i guess when it comes to it, different people have different concepts of friendship. when the person flat out attacked me, i really truly believed that it would be easy to defend me, if not the only thing to do. but no...i guess it was too hard. and the easy thing to do is do nothing at all but to go along with someone like that. i think about it and i realize do i wish things were different? yeah, i actually do, because i think that the person that set out to hurt me really has. not for hurting my self esteem or calling me the "name" he did, but for ruining and destroying a relationship that i very well believe would have still been standing if not for him. do i think it was the best relationship ever? no. and at times i realize that if it was meant to be, then it would have lasted. but i hate to think that one simple negative action by someone i think so little of, would have gotten the best of me. and then i realize that if roles were reversed i would have probably been a better friend. i mean the simplicity of it is really obvious. despite whatever looks were given and attitudes were thrown i never overtly attacked him, i never set out and spent time to create something that hurtful and cruel.

im busy actually, so toooo beeeee continued - or maybe not, i really dont know if i care enough to finish this thought. i mean, unless my dreams decide to dream or nightmare it again tonight - you Never ever know!

i can try to deter these thoughts from my waking conscience but when they invade my subconscious & dreams i guess im helpless to fight it off. i wake up, realize it was just my dream or nightmare, and then remind myself of all the things i feel and think and try to move on. but what do you do when your thoughts keep being hindered by the dream? you keep reminding yourself it wasnt real, but what if most of it was real? and most of the actions in the dream were driven by real life feeings and emotions? and it just keeps popping up in your head and you cant escape the thoughts? i know i have always just kept pushing them out of my head, focused on what is "real" and moved on with it. but how much has that held me back? how much have i ignored something i should give real thought to? i dont know how much i should give into these thoughts and feelings i really really dont. because these dreams are clearly driven by real life emotions and keep recurring but when i wake up i realize that much of what im dreaming is unrealistic, and the biggest fear that drives these is that much of my life might have already passed me by. sometimes i feel like there are two different lanes or paths that once intersected and they are now parallel, it was an equal chance for me to end up on either lane or path and my dreams are constantly invaded by the other paths reality. that everything im dreaming is happening, only not on this path. and i dont know where id rather be. and sometimes i feel that my life was hijacked by a few chance instances that changed the direction of where i should be and what direction i was heading. and then i wake up and realize that all i am really focusing on is a handful of people and not actual life and everything i should have and be doing already IS. that when i look at my professional life, my love and all the *most* important things its all the way it should be. and im just focusing on the one lackluster piece of the puzzle. and if i wasnt finding something amiss i wouldnt be human.

i think though, that right now, ive let so much or too much time pass without putting these thoughts out - outside of myself. if i dream it, ill write it. because i have nothing to lose. maybe i cant name names or specifics but i am only doing this for myself and i know what i mean. so thats that.

welcome back peskydiva. this journal used to be a little box in the bottom right hand corner of my computer screen, not a slow moving website on my laptop. when it was a little box i could type away on while still doing a ton of other things, i used to just let everything flow and never thought twice about hitting enter at the end of my thought. now, or for the past however long - maybe 5 years? wow, everything is thought through twenty times to the point that i never say anything at all. and really what fun is that? i dont have to read through it again, thats the entitlement i used to have with this. i would just let it out, and be done with it. thats the way its an outlet. a free flowing, non halting outlet for anything i think feel or believe or maybe even just momentarily believe.

i spent some time daydreaming recently about moving to a USVI, after all if you spend time teaching in one of the desired professional fields of which their is a shortage, your government loans will be forgiven over time, meaning you would never have to pay them back. i could almost see myself trying that, for sure id be back within 2-3 days maximum. but how could it would be to have an experience like that? i dared to dream it but i think thats the furthest it would go. except on this...then again i think of people who i started in CHEM 131 with at SBU and who are now in medical school in island in the caribbean. things would have had to of been soooo different for that, but somehow i knew and predcited at 19 that id be sitting here right now looking back wondering about that. i almost know i could have done that, and that it was always my dream. but i guess the grass is always greener. and i do have positive plausible dreams for myself that dont include going back in time and redoing my past. but i wouldnt be who i am if i didnt think back on that. maybe it will push me to do more with what is possible for me, and more with what i do have the ability to do.

I never thought I'd have the oppurtunities I had this past week come to me, at least not so quickly. I mean really, what the situation is - is more than anyone in my position could hope for or dream for. And I don't know if i have shown enough gratitude, or even had the time to feel it. because its all mixed with fear and anxiety and really just not wanting my expectations to be crushed. so im holding back from embracing it all when really i should just be proud that i have got the oppurtunity at all. because nobody in my position has that...so yeah...i dont know, i think ive set my goals too high. but when i get something i want in mind then its what i want and i dont want to settle. but really im aiming for the most i could hope for in my entire career. like in 5 years, 10 years or 20, this would be the ultimate goal. so if i dont get it this week...i still have time. but i want it now...i am really just fearful for being let down. its going to be brutal if im let down, but i guess just like anything i can just pick myself up and move on. i really kinda hate that i havent been as confident as i could be though, i mean i know what im doing, i know what im talking about but the overall feel of not having a degree yet makes it feel like im not as qualified as

so today i got about 10 stitches in my back at the doctor for the excision of the atypical cells. i took off from work, and thought id be okay the rest of the day...i think mentally im just drained from it all. i took a little nap after and woke up in excrutiating pain. i really didnt think it would hurt this much, since ive had stitches from a mole removal before but i guess it was a lot deeper this time since there was actually something to worry about removing. the doctor was nice, but i dont know...i mean, i trust his intelligence more then the last one i went to, which is why i waited to make my appointment there and choose that entire thing. he just seems more experienced. the isolated situation isnt signficiantly a problem but i just feel like none of the doctors ive seen actually care what im going through. i guess if you have something like this your looking in the wrong place for concern from a dermatologist...guess i need a psychologist for that. but i just want a doctor to answer all of my questions and anytime i ask one i feel like im bothering the fuck out of them. and i dont think i can handle googling one more of my fucking questions without losing my mind completely. i know the basics but i want someone with a fucking degree to answer it not wikipedia. and i want it to my face. the doctor said "you know none of the others look that atypical, you know thats what you want is to be typical thats a good thing" so that was comofrting but at the other end of it thats not exactly the case. a lot look fucking weird. and reading a fact that i have what approaches a 100% chance of developing melanoma over my lifetime doesnt really fucking settle me. i cant have that conversation with anyone becaue they think im crazy. but okay, if this doctor left even 1 tiny atypical cell in my back today, im done. it will spread and grow and that will be it for me. ill never know until its too late. and at 24 to have that type of shit on me already it just doesnt feel good. they talk about prevention - about catching it early? but then theres nothing else to do to prevent it but wait. so i have 1 atypical mole and about 100 others that could be atypical too. so removing 1 to me makes no sense. sure the full body checks are supposed to catch that, but i just dont trust that completely. human errors a little to high. and on the other side what about 'de novo'? well thats just hopeless. yet again, if i could ask a fucking doctor maybe there is a way to figure that out before its serious. but nobody was there to asnwer those questions. i guess ill wait to find someone else i really like because i cant live without asking someone to ansewr them. i mean ill let them hold the scalpel, cut me a bit and say they can bill me for another one of these things if thats what the issue is but just give me some information. without words i dont fucking understand. i cant imagine what someone who has serious cancer must go through with doctors that just dont fucking care.

yeah so my back fucking hurts big time. i have a feeling ive already popped a few stitches becuase the area is right where all my muscles are. its just a bad spot. but whatever...i just wish i had a weekend appointment but wednesdays were it for this guy.

if i had it all to do over again i would have choosen medical school for the simple fact that the past year has thrown so much shit at me in terms of medicine that just boggle my mind. id love to understand it all. maybe nobody does and thats the problem. ugh, also maybe it would help if just ONE person i went to high school/college or knew in general was a doctor with some intelligence in their brain and could just speak to me about it.

& if i listen to breath me by sia one more time im going to officially lose it. im so emo.

conclusion?

WEAR SUNSCREEN!!!!! lol...at least i can have a sense of humor about it

basically im scared.
theres not much else to it.
i think of all the times ive been irrationally worried or fearful, ive come to terms that this is actually the only thing i should have ever been really fearful of.
and the only thing i should have made sure of is to not go in the sun. like ever. and i dont want to bring it there. because thats not really fair. its unfair for me to have that type of expectation for myself from the time i was born. i never gained any monumental award materialistic or otherwise for getting a fucking sunburn. or a half a day of a degree of a tan that never lasted anyway. its not like it turned me beautiful or i felt like a million bucks or something. i did have some conception that it wasnt good for me, i wasnt thinking i couldnt do something to make up for it though.
and now this is what comes. but i guess its the same as anything thats unfair, or maybe a little bit unfair, or maybe its not unfair at all. i had some knowledge this could happen and it did. it would be different if i never had any idea, and i bet there are tons of people that happens to.
but here i am and this is reality. and theres no hiding from it, ever again. theres no going back, and all i can be is thankful that im scared shit. because if i wasnt scared shit and fearful id be ignorant and have no idea that there was melonocytic cells growing on my back and possibly turning into melanoma. at least now i know. but really? who knows how many others there are on me. and maybe there are other ones that arent in that stage. all i know is its not good to have this happen at 24.

and for everyone that i know that harmlessly has asked me in the past two days in the hallway "are you okay?" with shocking looks on their face, id really wish they'd just stop asking. sometimes its overwhelming. i havent told a soul outside of my family, and i dont plan on it. but sometimes i wish people could just shut the fuck up with that false concern. i dont remember the last time i said "are you okay" to someone who looked frustrated or depressed or whatever the fuck i must look like. i guess i look disturbed, but looking at me like im a fucking mutant because im not gleaming from ear to ear and walking on sunshine after a being awake for 12 hours and not even starting my 5 hours of class isnt really necessary. if it wasnt for the fact i was in a semi-professional setting where i have to keep a reputation i would really reply with go fuck yourself the next time someone asks me that. i guess i just feel like that statements antagonistic when shit is really not okay. and its not going to be really soon and thats how my face is going to look for a while.

whatever, im going to try to become the healthiest person i can be, as hard as its going to be and fight whatever it is that comes my way. maybe this is what ive been training for my whole life...

so finding out something is wrong with your own self is 90 million times less worrysome then finding out someone you care about is. i mean, last february - was way worse. i mean, who knows ...i just am less worried & concerned. i guess thats a problem. i dont feel that worried. but either way, its not the best that could happen. or maybe it is, because if i had no idea that would be worse then finding out? its funny how it changes everything but hasnt changed a thing all at the same thing. if it turns out okay it may be a blessing so ill change for the better, be healthier, take things for what they are and not take things for granted. which i shouldnt and have the past few days felt a lot more gratitude for what i have. if anything my level of anxiety for normal everyday things has dropped dramatically. like i really could care less about things that used to worry me. but i mean, thats not exactly the best of things.

so yeah. im 24, and i gave pre-cancerous cells on my body. and who knows in how many places? dysplastic nevi with atypical features. not benign, not melanoma. just right in between. cytologic melanocytic atypia, i dont know the degree yet because nobody enlightened me on that part yet. and the chances of that turning into cancer? who fucking knows? im not a dermatologist but chances are by the end of this situation ill know more then most.

i dont know, i just dont wanna go through the typical routine of my daily life right now. i mean like going to school has been great before this weird shit happened. now i kinda dont feel like going through it anymore. i mean if things go really bad is that what i want to be spending my time doing? not exactly.

let me go grab some leafy greens & vitamin A. ugh...what a life...

sometimes...maybe a lot of times lately...ive just felt so lucky. like extremely overwhelmingly. maybe not "luck". i know a lot of my joy is that thing that people always say "hard work pays off" and i guess it already is. because i get a lot of joy out of what i do and where im going. so many doors have opened. and its a struggle most of the time to fit everything in and get everything done but its also so rewarding.
sucks that the last week of school i have a cold. but im not gonna let it ruin it for me. its something i need to enjoy...like for once i realize the hardest parts over and this is the good shit. im really sorta proud of myself. ive overcome SO much this past year. and theres still so many more things i have to worry about at this poitn in my life then i did say like 2 years ago, things i had never imagined happening or being able to deal with. and the suprising thing is ive been doing so much better. i havent let it completely shut me down, and if it did i would have had every right to let it. but i really am doing better now. i guess i just realize times ticking and theres no other time but right now. and also all the work really has become something. im just so happy i made the choices i did, i love what im doing everyday, and im so glad i didnt choose another road.
im just so happy everything that happened happened, if it didnt i wouldnt be here and i couldnt imagine myself choosing what i have.

i am really just so proud of how much i pushed myself.

i had a daydream earlier of going to San Jose...

don't know where it came from, i guess its my way of going back in time...thinking about that time of my life...i would really love it. just to see that area anyway would be awesome. its funny, with the internet and everything these days it would seem kinda impossible to really lose touch with someone. to not be able to email, if you wanted to. for a google search to come up with nothing? hhhmmm...but i guess that would only be if the other person wanted it that way. which is fine. that can remain a really sweet and nostalgic memory for the rest of my life. and ill always look back and fall into a sweet trance.

as much as im in love now, that was a pretty sweet & awesome first kiss to have. i dont think many people get to have their first kiss be with a guy that they crushed on for that long. plus it was in the snow & was pretty amazing...i just thought of it because ive always remembered that date, being that it was the same date as today. yeah, something i kinda mentally noted, like an anniversary or something.

...to be 17 again.

i dont know, i always thought of myself as a pretty negative person. maybe "angry" or something like that, those labels always stuck out in my mind but somehow now i realize ive been only remembering the positive, like that sitaution for one, i cant even count the horrible excruitiating bullshit that happened after, some comical and some just flat out horrendous & torturous, but now i really only remember the good. the fun, and i wanna go back for an hour or something and be in it again. maybe it comes from being happy. like geniune happiness from feeling a sense of purpose and accomplishment. and gratitude for what i have, because truly you dont know what you have til its gone - or you almost lose it.

i should get sleep - last day of tuesday clients tomorrow. and progress reports arent done ! lol. im such an asshole for leaving that til the last minute.

*bitter sweet...

and JS - not sure where that came from...

i almost forgot my lj username...kinda crazy but i had trouble logging in and was using my facebook name. i guess i never have time or care about this. speaking of facebook, for SO long i have wanted to defriend someone just because their being makes me sick and i didnt want to give them the satisfaction of knowing i hate them, kinda a catch 22 bc if i am forced to see their name/thoughts/pictures i am like omg what a cunt! so i was torn for a bit, but then i realized i could hide their fucking updates!!! omg best invention fucking ever! so i can dodge the whole drama aspect of them knowing i hate them and making it a public affair but yet i dont have to be sick everytime they want to share something from their pathetic self-absorbed fake life! truthfully hope this is the last time i have to shiver with disgust at the thought of them.

perfect!

anyway i should be doing school work, consumed with dysphagia at the moment - fucking blows. cranial nerves again after memorizing everything about them & purging it from my mind, now i have to go back and write another essay on it. im contemplating just watching TLC all night & doing this shit tomorrow....such a slacker.

at least this semester is on its way to being over! : )